I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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