Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
