The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
