so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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