I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
