Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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