How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
