Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wanna bring you to show and tell
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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