I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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