I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
