Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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