I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize