When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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