I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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