The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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