How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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