so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
