They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
