It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
