That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
