it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
