Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
