oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
