At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
