The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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