i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
