He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
