you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
