I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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