he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
