Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
