i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Randomize
