did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
