He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
