I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
