I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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