if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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