My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
