You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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