We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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