Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
do herpes really smell.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
