Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
