The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
