But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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