Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
