I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
