guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
