we're chasing vodka with high fives
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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