I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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