Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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