My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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