i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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