he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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