if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
