So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
