im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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