i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
