I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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