my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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