saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
