I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
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So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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