I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
there is puke in my bra ... again
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
the raccoons are back...
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