clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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