I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize