Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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