I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
