Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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